Numb

I haven't exactly been a Coffee Achiever in my first 2 days of unemployment. Not unless Coffee Achievers lounge in their underwear until 1PM. But that's OK. I think I need some time to just exist right now. I think it's kind of like when you get the wind knocked out of you and there's nothing you can do for a few minutes except just sit there and try to breathe. I'm trying to catch up on my 'Lost' season 1 DVDs and some of the other discs I have waiting to be watched. I've had 'Schindler's List' sitting around waiting to be watched since oh, about February or so. At first I didn't think that was a movie I should be watching now, but I was so tired of seeing it sitting there unwatched. The funny thing is, as potentially depressing as the subject matter can be, that movie is actually quite inspiring. You've got a story about one person who made a difference, and it was a person who didn't even set out to do so or know what he was capable of until the chips were down. And it also says a lot about the perserverance of the human soul. As bad as I have felt, it's nothing compared to what these people experienced.

I haven't been a total washout. I filed for unemployment benefits yesterday. I am now required to register on their job search site within the next 2 days. On the day I got fired, I stopped by the library on the way home to get some more books. I'm about two-thirds of the way through one called "We Got Fired, and It's the Best Thing That Ever Happened To Us". It's of the rah-rah variety, but it does have some inspiring stories about famous people who have been fired and then went on to bigger and better things. Most of the stories so far have been pretty good, but it's a little hard to swallow say the one about Michael Bloomberg, who got a $10 million severance check when he got fired in 1981 at the age of 39. Yes, he went on to become a billionaire, but to me this one doesn't count because he didn't have to try and find another job!

I have an inside source at my prior employer. Apparently the day I got fired my boss had a meeting with the rest of the group after it had happened to tell them and assign my work to others. At this meeting my boss said that she didn't agree with the decision to let me go. I'm not sure whether this is true or not - it may just be a way to make herself feel less guilty. It is possible though, her boss disliked me quite a bit I suspect (the feeling was mutual). In any case, that really doesn't matter now.

I was supposed to run today, but it's still too damn hot. I put it off by a day because it's supposed to get much cooler tomorrow.

It's kind of weird how I can spill my guts on this blog about this whole experience, but I think it's been a really good thing. I haven't told any of my non-work friends, or even my family yet. I feel embarrassed and I have somewhat of a sense of shame about it, which I think are natural reactions. It's been good to have this forum to help me work through this, and I say thanks to those of you who have expressed your support.

Once I get past the shock phase, it will be time to start thinking about what I really want to do. I have to get my mind in a quiet place to listen to what my inner self is saying. I feel like there's too much static in my head at the moment. But I do not have the type of personality that will let me be idle for too long, so I know that in the near future I will be ready to get off my ass and do something about this.