Yin and Yang

After the high of hearing back from Mabel yesterday, I experienced the exact opposite later in the day. I got to have a sit down with my boss and her boss whereby basically they told me that I have a month to get my shit straight or start packing. All of this started back in April when I received a shitty performance review. Admittedly, I probably deserved it. I have been at my job for 10 years, it's getting pretty old, and I think I am burned out big-time. I also hate my boss' boss, and I'm not a very good actor. If I dislike someone they can usually tell. This guy is just a smarmy, phony asshole.

So after the review in April, I got pretty worried and busted ass pretty good there for about a month. My followup review a month later was very good. I guess I got a little complacent again, but I do have to say that this latest one snuck up on me somewhat. I have not heard any negative feedback from anyone recently. I guess I'm supposed to be a fucking mindreader. I'm being told that there are other managers that are displeased with my performance, including one that I sit right next to. I had asked for a separate meeting with this guy to ask what he would like to see from me, but the meeting never materialized. I took this as a sign that maybe he wasn't all that bothered, but maybe that was wrong.

I can't help escape the feeling that in some way this whole thing is related to the fact that I'm not a warm, fuzzy people person. And I am in no way a good bullshitter. I have a hard time pretending to like people I don't like, and supporting ideas and policies that I think are crap. The guy that hired me 10 years ago left the company last year, and I think a layer of protection for me left at the same time. I don't feel that my personality really blends with the people who are there now. Of course, I am about the only person left from 10 years ago, so maybe that should tell me that it's time to move on. I guess I have been too scared of the uncertainty that would bring to do anything about it.

I have to say that my feelings this morning were pure, unmitigated rage. I felt like my boss stabbed me in the back by not saying anything negative to me or giving me a heads up and then springing this shitstorm on me all of a sudden. I didn't even want to look at my boss for the first few hours of work this morning, so I was getting the feeling that this wasn't going to end well. I accept a lot of the blame for this situation, but I still get the feeling that maybe they're just using this as a way to get rid of me. I was pretty freaked out last night, I didn't sleep worth a shit. I kept trying to think of a good backup job that I could easily get (to no avail), and then I started freaking out about health insurance. I worked my ass off today, and I have to say that tonight I feel a lot better. I'm not sure if it's because now I think I can pull this off, or because I'm resigned that whatever happens, happens.

I think it would be wise to start looking for other opportunities, to get a fresh start, but continue to work hard in the meantime. It would be so stupid to throw this job away, it allows me to support myself, put away some savings, and live pretty well. And at least I am not supporting a family, it's just me. However, I know I am not working at a job that I consider to be a calling. I really envy the people that love their jobs, that's worth a lot more than money. My problem is that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what I would do if I could do anything I wanted, so I guess I better start doing some serious thinking and try to figure it out.