In Search of Advice
I had the craziest dream last night. It involved Thailand, a soccer stadium, women on motorcycles, and a motorcycle accident. I know what you’re thinking, but it was nothing kinky. I did come up with a good line (at least for a dream). Someone in the dream was complaining about roaches in the bathroom, and I said to them “I’ve seen roaches bigger than that in my breakfast cereal.”
In a completely unrelated note, I turn to you, dear reader, for a bit of advice. I have gone on 4 dates with someone that I don’t think I’m attracted to. You know, if dreading upcoming dates and trying to find ways to get out of them is “not being attracted to”. It seems like she likes me though. For some reason I’m hesitant to just end things. I think it’s because I feel like maybe I will be really lonely without this person because there are no other prospects, nor are there likely to be any other prospects for the foreseeable future. I guess that’s the definition of “settling”, huh? A little part of me feels shallow too because this girl seems like a nice person but the physical attraction is just not there. Could she grow on me, like a fungus? So, any advice would be appreciated. Should I end things? If so, what’s the best way – ignoring communication, lying about seeing someone else, the truth (I just don’t feel that the spark is there)? I don’t have a lot of experience as the dumper.
In a completely unrelated note, I turn to you, dear reader, for a bit of advice. I have gone on 4 dates with someone that I don’t think I’m attracted to. You know, if dreading upcoming dates and trying to find ways to get out of them is “not being attracted to”. It seems like she likes me though. For some reason I’m hesitant to just end things. I think it’s because I feel like maybe I will be really lonely without this person because there are no other prospects, nor are there likely to be any other prospects for the foreseeable future. I guess that’s the definition of “settling”, huh? A little part of me feels shallow too because this girl seems like a nice person but the physical attraction is just not there. Could she grow on me, like a fungus? So, any advice would be appreciated. Should I end things? If so, what’s the best way – ignoring communication, lying about seeing someone else, the truth (I just don’t feel that the spark is there)? I don’t have a lot of experience as the dumper.
Labels: A Fine Whine
posted by JC at 1:46 PM
11 Comments:
Like a fungus? I don't think so. That's a no-go right there.
I have only had to dump someone once (maybe one and a half) and it's excruciating. I think it's much more difficult to break up with someone than to be broken up with. I wouldn't say that you're seeing someone else because then she (read: I) would think that you consciously chose someone over her and that could be quite painful to hear. Same with telling her there is no attraction. Personally, I think it's early enough in your relationship that you necessarily owe her an explanation. Just say that you don't think it's working out.
Or you could just tell her about that dream you had and she will run away. Kidding.
Unless you are going stay at the space station Mir, become a monk or live alone in a shed somewhere in Montana I am sure that there are going to be prospects. Just be honest, being lied to sucks.
I'm for honesty all the way! Or, maybe you wouldn't have to worry about seeing her again if you told her about your dream! Yea, do that!
wow. that is a problem. in waiting to find that perfect person to come along, you might find yourself alone for a while. but just wait til you work in libraries. you'll be hit on constantly. okay, maybe i'm exaggerating, but...
she may grow on you. think of arranged marriages, though yours is a different situation, wherein love develops over time.
okay. so here's the rub. last night ian and i watched Tombstone. He let me pick the movie and he was surprised because he's asked many times for us to watch it and I've always said no. He knew why I picked it though: Horses. Not quite as much sustained horsage going on in that movie.
Wyatt Earp left his malingering laundnum-addicted wife for the actress because he said something to Doc Holiday about not knowing what he wanted all his life. And then finally knowing what he wanted (the actress and the vagabond lifestyle she represented) and being unable to have it--because he's married. He left his wife and she died a year or two later (according to the movie). He and the actress were married for 40-some years and were quite happy/fulfilled (according to the movie).
it's your life. and you ought to be happy. you ought not settle. never settle. so sure, date this fine woman, but you don't have to promise her anything. you should keep your options open for the person who will make you happy and passion-filled.
oh geez, I'm the wrong person to be handing out relationship advice, BUT-I will say honesty is the best policy =) Like someone else said, it hasn't been long enough to have to give a long detailed explanation...and whatever you do, don't settle! Being alone isn't THAT bad! Besides, think of all the hot women we are gonna run into when we crash that blogher event-mua ha ha. I also wanted to tell you that I'm going to be in Vegas in 28 days and I have already mapped out the closest In N Out Burger to my hotel! This will be my first experience...yay!
Have you been reading Borroughs before bed again?
I have been on both sides, and I am the worst person to do the breaking up. My first boyfriend I just kind of stopped talking to. It was highschool. It was horrible of me. I wish I could tell him sorry.
Now I'm sort of with Rebecca. If you don't care about spending time with this woman, you shouldn't force yourself. A fungas amoung us-not a good way to start a relationship. But if you like going on dates, no promises made.
And you are going to meet lot's of girls at the library.
This sucks. Last night I thought I was clear on what I needed to do, but now I'm not so sure. It may resolve on it's own, because if I'm not into something I'm a terrible faker.
For all practical purposes I am a monk. I don't go out, I don't have any friends who know single women, and work is a wasteland. I know, wah wah. I'm just beaten down by trying and failing. And I'm not fishing for suggestions on how to meet people. Even if I wanted to right now, my head and heart just have no enthusiasm for it whatsoever. I think I'd rather come to terms with being alone and enjoying the good things that come with that. Like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. That's worth somethin'.
I tried online dating for a while and that led to lots of situations like the one you are in. I found that it's very difficult to tell people you don't feel the spark but that it is the best way to go. I generally said something like, "You are very attractive (it doesn't hurt to exaggerate) and I enjoy hanging out with you but I am not feeling a romantic spark. I feel like an ass(fill in your own word) saying that to you but it's only fair that you know so you can pursue other possibilities." I usually had to have a stiff drink before I said that but it felt so much better than avoiding someone or lying to them.
I agree with everyone else - being the dumper is in many ways even more sucky than being the dumpee. But there's no sense continuing to see someone who interests you so little that you dread the dates. and as horrible as breaking up with someone is, honest is better. I like what Michelle said - basically some variation on "I'm sorry but I'm just not feeling it" and then move on.
PS - catching up a bit here...I like your SPC for this week! But with the 'puter troubles I've been having, I've hardly seen or commented on anyone's this week. I think at last count I'm 500+ posts behind on my Bloglines subscriptions. Ahem.
interesting dream...
well, about your problem, it's about what you want, what you believe in your heart. listen to your inner voice and you'll know what to do
I've been in the exact dilemma before, a few times. I always felt like I should keep giving the person a chance because a) I didn't want to be alone, and b) I was hoping my attraction would grow if they had a good personality. However, that never happened. In fact, they just got more annoying. So my advice is just to say you don't see things working out. It's better to alone than to be with someone you define as fungal.
Post a Comment
<< Home