Elevator Talk

Update: This post is a repeat of July 19, if you read that one this isn't new!

One of the bad things about my new job is that I am now subjected to the beating of having to use an elevator everyday. What is it about elevators that make them so tense? I think it’s because you are forced to be closer to people than the normal boundaries of personal space would dictate. Now, I imagine if you live in New York City or some other crowded metropolis you may think elevators are no big deal because you are constantly surrounded by tons of people, but that’s not how it is around here. People drive to work in their own car by themselves, and neighborhoods are really spread out, so you just aren’t used to having people jammed in so close. Public transport is almost non-existent. I think this is why I would go freakin’ nuts if I lived in New York City.

The elevator experience is just so weird. You either have complete silence because everyone is so tense, or you have the one guy who tries to make small talk but no one really wants to participate so they laugh nervously. If you’re on the elevator with someone you know it seems like a relief since you can hold a somewhat normal conversation. Here are some of my elevator thoughts:

• Something that never helps is that you are forced to ride the elevator first thing when you get to work and last thing when you leave, which for me are probably the two worst possible times for me to be jammed in with strangers. In the morning I don’t want anyone talking to me before 9, much less a foot away from me. And by the end of the day I am beat down from having to interact with people, so I just want to get the hell out of there.
• God forbid you catch an elevator with the person who just finished their smoke break and smells like a dirty ashtray. That smell can literally give me a headache sometimes. Yesterday after lunch I lucked out because just as this woman walked up who declared to her companion that she had another pack of cigarettes upstairs (trust me, from her voice I’d wager she had a carton upstairs) two elevators arrived, allowing me to take the one that wouldn’t give me lung cancer by proxy.
• I can’t stand the people that bum rush the elevator right when the doors open before allowing the people inside to exit.
• I also can’t stand the people that insist on cramming in even though the elevator is obviously already full. There are 5 other ones, people.
• Some people smell really gross.
• Some people smell really good.
• Line butters or Johnny-come-latelies. Especially in the morning and after lunch there can be a lot of people waiting for an elevator. Sometimes when the elevator takes a while to arrive, people will show up right before the elevator arrives and then try to be the first to get in before all the other people who have been waiting for a minute or two. These are kind of like the bum-rush people; they think it’s all about them (when it’s obviously all about me).
• Luckily I haven’t experienced the elevator fart yet.
• Some people act like they’re doing you a huge favor if you have to ask them to push the button for your floor. Jerks.
• Damn this is a long post.

I wanted to throw in one other thing that happened yesterday that was not elevator-related, but definitely freaked me out. Cutting your fingernails at work is borderline behavior, although I will admit that I used to cut my fingernails sometimes in my own cubicle at my last job, so I can let it slide if you’re at your own desk that I don’t have to touch or look at. But bringing your nail clippers to my workspace and then cutting your nails as you stand there and talk to me? As the nail clippings land on the floor of my cubicle? Not cool, and very gross.