Friday, August 05, 2005

The Dookie of Hazzard

Holy shit. This new Dukes of Hazzard movie looks like a steaming pile of monkey dung. I would write a review, but until someone comes up with the $1000 it would take to get me to see it, I'm not going near this thing. Seriously, I don't think I would see this even if someone offered me $500. My soul has to be worth something...

Now, I am someone who thought that the original show sucked too, but I don't think it would have made any difference in this case. I guess it just proves the old adage 'You can't polish a turd'. I am right in the original Dukes fan wheelhouse too, I'm 33 and I had tons of friends who watched it religiously, but I always thought it was stupid. And I guess I was too young to think of Daisy Duke as some type of sex object.

I like to think of movies as an art form, but it seems to me that there are 2 kinds of movies in the world. Those that aspire to something artistic, and those that exist just to make money. I guess Dukes is a textbook example of the movie industry trying to cater to their best customers, teenage males. And this movie has car chases and a chick in a bikini, so there you have it.

Now lest you think I am some kind of movie snob asshole (as opposed to just an asshole), I have to come down off my high-horse and admit that I like some junk movies too. After all, I own 'Dumb and Dumber' and 'Napoleon Dynamite'. But this Dukes movie looks like true garbage. And by the way, are any of these television show to movie conversions ever any good? I remember being entertained by the first Brady Bunch movie because it was so snarky, but I can't remember any good ones since then, and that was 10 years ago.

For the most entertainment you will get from this movie, check out this review in the Dallas Observer. Funny stuff.

It's also worthwhile to check out They give movies a numerical ranking on a 100 point scale based on reviews in major media outlets. They give Dukes a 33, which is B.A.D. My favorite review headline is from the Wall Street Journal (unfortunately), which declares: "YEEEEE HAAAAW! They've gone and done it. The feature version of The Dukes Of Hazzard turns a sow's ear into a bigger sow's ear. " Check out metacritic here.

Oh, and just as a side note, my favorite review headline of all time came from the Dallas Observer, which said about the 'film' 'Hope Floats': "Hope Floats Like a Baby Ruth in a Swimming Pool". Pure genius.

Holy crap. I've wasted too much space on this.


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